Love Lost Them
by nero749
Summary: Solas arranges to meet Vela Lavellan again after not seeing her for two years, but is surprised to discover that she no longer remembers him.


Solas became aware of Vela's presence the moment she stepped through the eluvian. He was still trying to warn the Viddasala away when he heard the crackling of the eluvian as Vela stepped through it. Solas had allowed the eluvian to grant only Vela access, closing it behind her, and cutting her off from the rest of her party. What needed to be said, had to be said to her; Solas would finally tell Vela the truth he had wanted to confess to her years ago.

Naturally, the Viddasala did not listen to Solas' warnings – the Qunari were nothing if not proud warriors – so with very little effort Solas incapacitated her, as he had her allies before her. As he did, he heard Vela's voice call out to him.

"Wait."

Solas froze, even though he had drawn Vela here to him deliberately, the wave of emotion he felt at hearing her voice again after all this time, overtook him for a moment. After a beat Solas turned to face Vela, slowly, as if not quite ready to face her, in spite of how much he had missed her in the years since their last meeting, or how he ached to see her again.

Despite the circumstances of their meeting, Solas could not help but smile at Vela, seeing her standing there. Vela had changed very little in the two years since he had last seen her face. He resisted the urge to rush over, to take her in his arms, kiss her, feel her touch again. It would neither be a good idea, nor fair to her. Solas had left Vela after all, she might not even realise how he loved her. But maybe, after he told her the truth about his identity and his quest, she would at least understand why he left.

Vela looked at him curiously, perhaps trying to understand Solas' role in the events of the past few days. But before either of them could speak, the mark on Vela's hand flared up. Vela cried out in pain, dropping to her knees and trying to stop the anchor with her other hand. Solas felt his heart sing as he noticed that the anchor had spread much further than he had anticipated; it now covered Vela's lower arm. Solas worried he might have left this meeting too late.

Solas stabilised the anchor. He knew it would not remain so for long, but it would gain them enough time to speak.

"I suspect you have questions," Solas said, as Vela got back on her feet.

Vela looked at her marked hand, the anchor still slightly visible, but under control. "How did you do that?" she asked. "Who are you?"

The second question threw him off. But perhaps Solas should not be surprised that Vela felt she did not even know him anymore, considering what she had just witnessed. Solas was considering how to tell her that he was Fen'harel, when she spoke again.

"The Viddasala said you worked for the Inquisition, before betraying it," Vela said when Solas didn't speak.

Solas blinked, he felt his mind resisting the obvious answer, namely that Vela did not recognise him. Solas looked at Vela's face. There was no recognition there, only a curious look as she took in Solas as he stood there, as if she had never seen him before.

"They said you were an agent of the Inquisition, but I don't remember seeing you before."

As Vela confirmed Solas' fears, it felt like the earth gave way under his feet. Solas felt the loneliness of the previous two years almost crush him, as he realised Vela – the only person he'd truly connected to in this world – no longer remembered him.

"The Qunari believe you're an agent for someone who has taken the name of Fen'harel. So who are you, a spy?" Vela repeated, demanding an answer this time.

It took Solas a moment to gather enough of himself to form any kind of answer. He managed to speak, even as he felt he was being crushed under the weight of a new kind of loneliness. "I am no one's agent but my own. I fear that the truth is much simpler, and much worse, than the Qunari believe. I am Fen'harel."

"You're Fen'harel?" Vela looked shocked. "You're the Dread Wolf from legend?" she shook her head. "That's not possible… How can you be Fen'harel?"

"I was Solas first, 'Fen'harel' came later."

"Solas? That's what the Qunari called you," Vela said.

Solas looked at Vela, some part of him had secretly hoped his name or his confession would make her remember him, but she still looked at him as if he were a stranger. What had taken Vela's memories? What magic had made her forget? Who would do this to her, and why?

"So you lied about your true identity to gain access to the Inquisition?" Vela asked, the accusation clear in her voice.

"I omitted a title forced on me. If you were to introduce yourself as Vela Lavellan, rather than Inquisitor Lavellan, would that be a lie?"

"You kept your title from us with the intent to deceive us, how is that not lying?"

"Of course I kept it from you, what would you have had me say? That I was the Dread Wolf your people taught you to fear?"

"Is that why you hid from me, Fen'harel? Because I am Dalish and if I had discovered your true identity, I would have known the stories told about you?" Vela asked.

It did not escape Solas' notice that Vela called him Fen'harel and not Solas. "I did not hide from you," Solas said with more venom than the question deserved. For some reason the question had cut him deeper than he would have thought possible. What he'd shared with Vela had been wrong and selfish on his part, but it had been real. To see it lost…

"All right, then why did you not come to me?" Vela asked.

"I have tried to share knowledge with the Dalish before, it did not end well."

Vela huffed. "You think I would not have listened before judging you? You could have explained. I saw your story, travelling through the eluvians, I saw the rebellion you led to free the elves. If that is your true history, why keep it from the Inquisition? You think we would not have welcomed your aid then?"

"That story gives me more credit than I deserve," Solas said.

"But that is what you did, free elves?"

"I tried," Solas said, he let out a bitter laugh. "I tried to free my people and stop the Evanuris from destroying the world, but in doing so I condemned my people and destroyed our world."

"Fen'harel, _you_ , created the Veil?" Vela asked. She seemed to consider this revelation for a moment before softly saying, "I suppose that makes sense, considering the legends I was taught about you."

"Most myths are based on some kind of truth," Solas said.

"But why did you join us? What aid could Fen'harel have needed?" Vela asked

"I had not foreseen what raising the Veil would cost the elven people. They paid for my mistake, but some hope remains for restoration. At the time, you were the best chance I had to accomplish that goal."

"The Inquisition?"

"No, you."

" _I_ was?" Vela asked surprised.

"Your mark," Solas said. "I was meant to bear it, to use it to enter the Fade and tear down the Veil."

"And Corypheus was part of your plans?"

"I was not powerful enough to unlock the orb, I needed Corypheus to do so, I was meant to retrieve the anchor after, but you found the orb before me."

"That's why you infiltrated the Inquisition, you hoped to get close enough to me to take the anchor?" Vela asked. "Is that why you are here now? Why you let me through the eluvian? That was you, I assume, I think I wouldn't have been able to pass through it otherwise."

"I could no more take the anchor for myself now than Corypheus could when he tried."

"Then why bring me here?"

 _To tell you the truth I should have shared with you before, to save you._ Solas looked at Vela. She was as she had been, but their history was gone, how could he share with her what he had wanted to tell her? Solas was too late to tell her that he loved her still, that he had had to leave her but never wanted to. He was too late to let Vela known him as he truly was, too late to see her look at him, knowing everything about him. And there was another reason he had drawn her here. A reason he had kept from everyone, and denied even to himself. Solas had brought Vela here to warn her of his plans, to give her the power to show him he was wrong, to find another way where he could not.

Solas clenched his jaw. "I will save the elven people," Solas said, "even if it means this world must die," he added. It was an admission meant for a Vela who wasn't there. But still, he honoured her request for honesty.

"Why would this world have to die? How would that save the elves?" Vela asked, shocked.

Solas smiled at the familiar sight of Vela questioning him, Vela had always been very curious, something he loved about her. "A good question, but not one I will answer. You have always shown a thoughtfulness I respected. It would be too easy to tell you too much," Solas said.

Vela looked confused. " _A thoughtfulness you respected_?" she repeated the words. "I don't understand… how… when?" Vela shook her head.

Solas had not caught his mistake in time; just because Vela did not remember him, did not mean he suddenly felt none of the familiarity they had shared. Solas looked at Vela, her tense face waiting for an explanation. Solas considered for a moment to try and explain, he wanted to, even if she could not remember him, part of him wanted her to know the truth of what had happened between them. But in the end he decided it could only wound and would benefit neither of them.

"I take no joy in this, but the return of my people means the end of yours," he said, ignoring her question and continuing his confession.

As he predicted, the new statement demanded Vela's attention. She looked at him, almost as if she expected him to deny it. "I don't understand? Everything I saw about you these past days? You saved elves, fought for them! How can you say that so coldly?"

"You must understand, I woke in a world where the Veil had blocked most people's connection to the Fade. It was like walking through a world of tranquil."

"We're not even people to you?" Vela scoffed.

"Not at first," Solas said. He looked at Vela's angry expression, and failing to remember the mistake he had just made, he found himself saying, " _You_ showed me that I was wrong."

Vela shook her head. " _I_ showed you?" she looked at him. "Do you mean to say that we–" Vela did not finish the thought. The anchor flared up even worse than it had before; dropping to her knees, Vela clutched her hand, and cried out in pain. Solas knew he could not stabilise the anchor again; he needed to remove it now, before it got any worse.

Vela recovered herself enough to speak, even if she was clearly still in immense pain. "We knew each other?" she asked. "We were… _friends_?"

"Yes," Solas said.

"Is that why you brought me here?"

"I brought you here to save you," he said. "At least for now," he added softly.

Vela looked at the anchor that was still sparking and crackling throughout her arm. "You mean the anchor? You can stabilize it?"

"No," Solas said, "but I can remove it."

Solas knelt down in front of her and held out his hand to her. Vela reluctantly laid her hand in his. "If we were friends, why don't I remember you?" she asked, studying his face intently.

Solas could tell Vela had seen the expression on his face he'd tried to hide as she called them friends a second time, he could see she now at least suspected the truth. Solas shook his head. "I'm not sure what caused you to forget, but I have a suspicion."

"You didn't…" Vela's voice trailed off. It was clear she had thought Solas himself might have taken her memories from her, but looking at him now she said, "No, you didn't do this." Vela looked at her hand in Solas' and then back at his face. "How close were we?" she asked tentatively.

Solas hesitated, but was about to answer her, when the anchor flared up again, demanding his attention as well as Vela's. Vela cried out in pain, her fingers tightening around his.

"I have to remove the anchor now, while there's still time," Solas said.

"Tell me how you know me?" Vela asked, the pain the anchor was causing her, twisting her voice.

Solas felt his heart break, hearing the pain in her voice. "I'm sorry, but we are running out of time, vhenan." Solas said, not catching himself in time.

Vela froze as he said the word, her eyes growing big, locked on Solas' face. He could see she was struggling with what this meant for her, for them, as there was no mistaking the meaning behind this one word.

But it wasn't long before the pain overtook Vela again, robbing her of the chance to question him further. Solas tightened his grip around Vela's hand and with some effort he cast the spell to remove the anchor. As Solas let go of Vela's hand and stood up, the anchor had already started to disintegrate. Solas looked at Vela, his heart aching to stay with her and tell her what they meant to each other. But he knew he had to say goodbye, even if he did not know how to.

Solas turned around to leave through the eluvian.

"Wait," Vela called out to him, but he forced himself to keep moving. "Solas," she said, speaking his name for the first time since he had seen her again, and that at least made him pause. "Why did you call me that?" she asked. Solas did not answer. "What did we mean to each other?" she asked, her voice cracking.

Solas looked over his shoulder. He desperately wished he could restore her memory, just to have her look at him as she had before, because right now he was just Fen'harel to her, she had forgotten Solas. The word burning on his lips, _ar lath ma._ But he had been selfish with her too many times, and so he forced himself to turn his back on her. "Ir abelas," Solas said. And just before stepping through the eluvian, he said, "I will never forget you," his own voice cracking now.

* * *

Solas arrived on the other side of the eluvian. He fell to his knees, silent sobs escaping from him as tears streaked his face. Solas had known from the start that he would have to say goodbye to Vela, but he had not been prepared to find her having already forgotten him. But would saying goodbye have ever hurt less, no matter what the circumstances?

Solas suddenly felt a strange calm wash over him, not enough to stop the pain he felt, but enough to give him some relief. Solas immediately realised what had to be the cause. He got to his feet and as he turned around, he was unsurprised to see Cole there. The spirit still looked like the young boy whose form he had adapted years ago, his friendly face hidden underneath a large hat and greasy blond hair.

"I fear this is not a pain you can heal," Solas said, knowing it was his anguish that had called out to Cole.

" _Ar lath ma vhenan._ But then he left. _Inquisitor_ , the word cuts. _What we had was real._ Gone. Victory marred with loneliness. It _hurts_. It hurts so much," Cole said. "Everyone looks at me. He's gone. They all know. More pain. I want it to stop. _Please make it stop_."

Solas looked at Cole, he realised whose pain he was voicing and what he was telling Solas by showing him this.

"It was you," Solas said, "you made Vela forget."

Cole crossed his arms. "She wanted to forget. _Please, Cole, I don't want to miss him any more_." It was strange to hear Cole imitate Vela's voice so closely. But that was nothing compared to how much it hurt Solas to hear Cole tell him how much pain Solas had caused Vela. "She _wanted_ to forget?" Solas felt tears sting his eyes as he remembered how she had looked at him, the day he had left her in Crestwood, and what she must have thought when he left the Inquisition.

" _What I must tell you, the truth… Ir Fen'harel._ You wanted her to know, but then you didn't," Cole said.

"I couldn't tell her, because I could not stay. Not even for her. I have to help my people," Solas said to Cole, but it was he who needed the reminder. "I should have stopped it sooner, before it could hurt her."

"Your pain is the same," Cole said. "It hurts you to leave. Like it hurts her."

Solas looked at Cole, and answered him even though he did not need an answer. "Yes."

"You want to stay. But you leave. Why?" Cole said, without any judgement either way.

"I have no choice, Cole," Solas said, "I have to restore my world. I have to bear this pain."

"She hurt. But then she forgot," Cole said. "You could forget. I can take away your pain."

Solas looked at Cole, and waited a beat before giving him his answer.

* * *

Notes:

The title is from a Cole quote: They left for love, and then love lost them. More pain, more joy than anyone can bear, and yet they embrace it.

Which might hint at how I think this will end.

On a side note: this is a different Lavellan from the one in 'The Elven Epoch.'


End file.
